A Life Coach Can Help You Figure Out What to Say to Your Aging Parent
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A client called me today in utter frustration! He had moved is mother to a lovely assisted living community. He made sure to choose one that had lots of activity going on so mom would stay busy. But every day he received calls from mom complaining that she was bored, wanting him to come over and "do something "with her. Not only had I heard this story before but my husband and I are living it. Mom has a different excuse for not going to each activity we suggest. She just does not want to participate in anything the community has to offer but wants constant attention from her son. My husband is working but since he works for himself she feels like he should be able to visit every day. Here are my suggestions to help you keep your sanity: Adult children of aging parents often call me when something has happened. Usually a fall or illness or maybe just a visit back home will precede the call. When they call they are ready to do something now. It is time they tell me. Mom or Dad can no longer live on their own. And so we talk. We iron out all of the details about their particular situation. We discuss what kind of care their parent needs, in other words what do they need help doing? Bathing, dressing, toileting, managing medications, cooking, cleaning, transportation or maybe they just need people around, a social community to belong to. We also discuss who in the family is POA and would be the primary caregiver. It is important to locate your parent close to the person who will be able to help in case of an emergency. We look at the finances to determine what type of care will meet their needs and their budget. The consideration of the whole family is taken into account. You will then look at the different options and try to discuss the solution with your parent. This is when things get sticky. “Mom doesn’t want to move!” Her 60 year old daughter told me. “She has lived in her home since before I was born and I am afraid that if I force her to move to an assisted living community she will not be happy.”Sandy was at her wits end when she called me. Here is her story. Sandy lives about 200 miles from her mother’s home. She and her husband make a modest income and both need to continue working for at least 5 more years to make sure they have money for their retirement. Sandy is close enough drive in for a weekend visit but not close enough to make it a daily or even weekly routine. Sandy has two children who live nearby and 3 grandchildren she likes to visit and often helps care for on the weekends. Her mom had been doing pretty well but last year For a while Sharon kept her head in the sand. Some days Bob seemed perfectly normal and she wondered if the diagnosis of Alzheimer's was correct. Her children kept trying to get her to move but Sharon and Bob were living in Florida and adored their home. Bob worshiped the sun and spent most days by the pool or at the beach. Sharon did not want to take these pleasures away from him. Moving, for Sharon, meant giving up the dream of growing old together. They had planned for their retirement and had so looked forward to all of the wonderful times they would enjoy as they grew old together. This is a story I hear often, different names, different location but basically the same story. Letting go of your dream of growing old together isn't easy but sticking your head in the sand isn't going to change what is. It is what it is. Here are four steps to reclaiming and recreating your life. |
Kathryn WatsonCaregiver Life Coach and Founder |
KathrynWatson.com