“Mom doesn’t want to move!” Her 60 year old daughter told me. “She has lived in her home since before I was born and I am afraid that if I force her to move to an assisted living community she will not be happy.”Sandy was at her wits end when she called me. Here is her story.
Sandy lives about 200 miles from her mother’s home. She and her husband make a modest income and both need to continue working for at least 5 more years to make sure they have money for their retirement. Sandy is close enough drive in for a weekend visit but not close enough to make it a daily or even weekly routine. Sandy has two children who live nearby and 3 grandchildren she likes to visit and often helps care for on the weekends.
Her mom had been doing pretty well but last year
several of her close friends have passed away and due to vision problems her mother, Martha has stopped driving at night. Her arthritis has also made it harder to get around and Sandy suspects that may be why she stays home so much.
Sandy has noticed that Martha has become very needy. She calls Sandy multiple times a day with this problem or that one and Sandy feels guilty when she tells mom they will take care of these things when she and her husband Jim visit next month. It is clear to Sandy that Martha expects her to drop everything and come over to help. Lately Sandy has been making the trip every other weekend and it is really becoming exhausting. She still feels guilty when she leaves and her mother pleads, can’t you just stay one more day?
“She knows I have to go to work!” Sandy cries exasperated with the situation. “Why does she do this to me?” Sandy has tried to get her mother to consider moving closer to her and Jim but Martha will not hear of it. She will not even go to look at the beautiful new retirement home that is less than 5 minutes from Sandy’s home.
When Sandy visited last she noticed her mother’s usually immaculate house was not very clean and there was molded food in the refrigerator. Martha looked like she had dropped a few pounds. This along with the neediness led Sandy to believe that her mother may be depressed. Depression is very common in older folks especially those who live alone.
So I asked Sandy, “Is your mom happy now? “ Not really she replied. “How do you think that will change if you move her to an Independent or Assisted living community?” Well it probably couldn’t be worse Sandy admitted. And finally I asked “How will your life change if you move mom?”
This last question was the one that helped Sandy realize that this decision had a huge impact on her life and that of her husband and even trickled down to her grandchildren. This was not a decision that her mother alone had the right to make anymore. If she was going to depend on Sandy and her family to help her then she had to also help them by moving closer.
Sandy has noticed that Martha has become very needy. She calls Sandy multiple times a day with this problem or that one and Sandy feels guilty when she tells mom they will take care of these things when she and her husband Jim visit next month. It is clear to Sandy that Martha expects her to drop everything and come over to help. Lately Sandy has been making the trip every other weekend and it is really becoming exhausting. She still feels guilty when she leaves and her mother pleads, can’t you just stay one more day?
“She knows I have to go to work!” Sandy cries exasperated with the situation. “Why does she do this to me?” Sandy has tried to get her mother to consider moving closer to her and Jim but Martha will not hear of it. She will not even go to look at the beautiful new retirement home that is less than 5 minutes from Sandy’s home.
When Sandy visited last she noticed her mother’s usually immaculate house was not very clean and there was molded food in the refrigerator. Martha looked like she had dropped a few pounds. This along with the neediness led Sandy to believe that her mother may be depressed. Depression is very common in older folks especially those who live alone.
So I asked Sandy, “Is your mom happy now? “ Not really she replied. “How do you think that will change if you move her to an Independent or Assisted living community?” Well it probably couldn’t be worse Sandy admitted. And finally I asked “How will your life change if you move mom?”
This last question was the one that helped Sandy realize that this decision had a huge impact on her life and that of her husband and even trickled down to her grandchildren. This was not a decision that her mother alone had the right to make anymore. If she was going to depend on Sandy and her family to help her then she had to also help them by moving closer.
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