Adult children of aging parents often call me when something has happened. Usually a fall or illness or maybe just a visit back home will precede the call. When they call they are ready to do something now. It is time they tell me. Mom or Dad can no longer live on their own.
And so we talk. We iron out all of the details about their particular situation. We discuss what kind of care their parent needs, in other words what do they need help doing? Bathing, dressing, toileting, managing medications, cooking, cleaning, transportation or maybe they just need people around, a social community to belong to. We also discuss who in the family is POA and would be the primary caregiver. It is important to locate your parent close to the person who will be able to help in case of an emergency. We look at the finances to determine what type of care will meet their needs and their budget. The consideration of the whole family is taken into account.
You will then look at the different options and try to discuss the solution with your parent. This is when things get sticky.
And so we talk. We iron out all of the details about their particular situation. We discuss what kind of care their parent needs, in other words what do they need help doing? Bathing, dressing, toileting, managing medications, cooking, cleaning, transportation or maybe they just need people around, a social community to belong to. We also discuss who in the family is POA and would be the primary caregiver. It is important to locate your parent close to the person who will be able to help in case of an emergency. We look at the finances to determine what type of care will meet their needs and their budget. The consideration of the whole family is taken into account.
You will then look at the different options and try to discuss the solution with your parent. This is when things get sticky.
Mom or Dad does not react well. Professing that they are perfectly fine where they are, in their own home! They may get angry with you and tell you to leave. They refuse to discuss finances or look at communities. They may tell you they do not need your help any more. Any attempt at a discussion just becomes a huge fight.
So you back off. You just don't know what to do! Going back to your home/work/family you worry but dad does pretty well on his own the next few weeks and then you begin to wonder if maybe you jumped the gun a bit. Maybe mom or dad is really okay in their own home. You keep telling yourself this even though a part of you knows that it isn't true.
Things go along fine for a while, months may even go by without any incidents. Some days dad sounds confused and you worry but then the next day he sounds perfectly fine. It couldn't be dementia you tell yourself, after all most of the time he sounds fine. You push worry to the back of your mind. It is easier to deal with that way.
A few months later you come for a visit and notice that there is a big dent in the side of the car. You also notice the refrigerator either has nothing in it or the food is moldy and old. Bank statements and bills are piled up on the counter and maybe you notice that several pill bottles are lying around empty. Have they been refilled? How long have they been out? Do you turn away and say nothing because you don't want to start another fight?
This is the time your parent is counting on you to step up to the plate! It is obvious they are not handling things well living on their own. How long before something serious happens? It is time to advocate for their best interest. Making decisions for a parent who is no longer able to make healthy and safe choices for themselves is the right thing to do.
Who ever told you that doing right was going to be easy?
Contact Kathryn for a Planning and Strategy Session You will be glad you did! Kathryn will help you create and walk you through step by step how to talk to your aging parent and ways to get them to agree to move.
So you back off. You just don't know what to do! Going back to your home/work/family you worry but dad does pretty well on his own the next few weeks and then you begin to wonder if maybe you jumped the gun a bit. Maybe mom or dad is really okay in their own home. You keep telling yourself this even though a part of you knows that it isn't true.
Things go along fine for a while, months may even go by without any incidents. Some days dad sounds confused and you worry but then the next day he sounds perfectly fine. It couldn't be dementia you tell yourself, after all most of the time he sounds fine. You push worry to the back of your mind. It is easier to deal with that way.
A few months later you come for a visit and notice that there is a big dent in the side of the car. You also notice the refrigerator either has nothing in it or the food is moldy and old. Bank statements and bills are piled up on the counter and maybe you notice that several pill bottles are lying around empty. Have they been refilled? How long have they been out? Do you turn away and say nothing because you don't want to start another fight?
This is the time your parent is counting on you to step up to the plate! It is obvious they are not handling things well living on their own. How long before something serious happens? It is time to advocate for their best interest. Making decisions for a parent who is no longer able to make healthy and safe choices for themselves is the right thing to do.
Who ever told you that doing right was going to be easy?
Contact Kathryn for a Planning and Strategy Session You will be glad you did! Kathryn will help you create and walk you through step by step how to talk to your aging parent and ways to get them to agree to move.
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