Consider four sons living in four different states with their mother living in the same state as the eldest son. Three of the boys are attorneys and the fourth a retired successful businessman living near Mom. Mom is 89 and in good shape for her age but beginning to have some more serious health issues. The boys’ father was a successful doctor who has been deceased for over 15 years.
Problems began when one of the sons visited mom for a few days and bought her an extended premium channel package for her cable system that required additional hardware. The son who lived close to his mother called the visiting son and verbally attacked him for the premium package. “Nice…you waltz into town and buy Mom a toy that is a nightmare for me.” “She is calling me every other day to come over and show her how to work your damn toy. What were you thinking!!”
Upset with the criticism, the gift giver called one of his other brothers and asked what was going on with the eldest. The other brother who was a personal injury attorney said he had no idea but he knew all the legal stuff was in order for Mom, she had enough money, and the older brother didn’t have to worry about anything…he must have just had a bad day. The gift giver talked to his third brother who was going to see Mom at the end of the month and learned that he had no idea about any of the issues affecting Mom only that some of Mom friends had apparently died and she was more alone than usual. He also thought his brother who was the personal injury attorney had drafted some documents at least 10 years ago but had no idea what they were.
A family meeting was suggested. Two of the brothers immediately agreed. They weren’t happy with the idea of a mediator but were assured that the mediator would be there “just to make sure we covered all the issues”. Two of the brothers agreed to SKYPE and were comfortable with it and the third was willing to appear at the meeting but only by phone. None of the brothers wanted to bring up the subject of a family meeting to the brother living near Mom so asked if the mediator would contact the eldest brother on their behalf.
In a conversation with the oldest, the mediator suggested the meeting might be a good opportunity for him to get some things off his chest and get some organized help with his Mom. He actually was delighted to have the opportunity.
At the mediation it was discovered that all Mom’s “legal stuff” was inadequate and out of date. No one had reviewed any of her insurance policies or knew what was covered in her long term care policy. No one was really sure what Mom’s physical health was and were no longer even sure who was her primary care doctor.
The first order of business at the meeting was to establish different responsibilities for all the boys and engage in an immediate fact finding mission to find answers to the long list of essential “required to know” data prepared by the mediator and necessary supporting documents. It was agreed that future visits would be more than just “take Mom out to dinner”. They would meet her friends, her minister, her attorney, her neighbors. They decided to hire a professional geriatric care manager to assess Mom before they made any additional decisions.
One of the interesting “takeaways” was that none of the attorney brothers had any real understanding of elder care law or issues. It was not the kind of law they practiced and for whatever reason they were not comfortable admitting that they did not know this area of the law. Because their mother was so independent, they could never consider the time when she might not be.
The mediator (myself) never met any of the parties in person and this was all done online or by phone.
Richard H. Schwachter is an Attorney in Ohio who is now offering Mediations for families dealing with the issues of aging parents. You don't even have to travel! Conference sessions can be set up on Skype so you can be in different parts of the world and participate. You can visit his website and give him a call.
650.209.7699 phone
http://www.startyourelderparentplan.com/
A family meeting was suggested. Two of the brothers immediately agreed. They weren’t happy with the idea of a mediator but were assured that the mediator would be there “just to make sure we covered all the issues”. Two of the brothers agreed to SKYPE and were comfortable with it and the third was willing to appear at the meeting but only by phone. None of the brothers wanted to bring up the subject of a family meeting to the brother living near Mom so asked if the mediator would contact the eldest brother on their behalf.
In a conversation with the oldest, the mediator suggested the meeting might be a good opportunity for him to get some things off his chest and get some organized help with his Mom. He actually was delighted to have the opportunity.
At the mediation it was discovered that all Mom’s “legal stuff” was inadequate and out of date. No one had reviewed any of her insurance policies or knew what was covered in her long term care policy. No one was really sure what Mom’s physical health was and were no longer even sure who was her primary care doctor.
The first order of business at the meeting was to establish different responsibilities for all the boys and engage in an immediate fact finding mission to find answers to the long list of essential “required to know” data prepared by the mediator and necessary supporting documents. It was agreed that future visits would be more than just “take Mom out to dinner”. They would meet her friends, her minister, her attorney, her neighbors. They decided to hire a professional geriatric care manager to assess Mom before they made any additional decisions.
One of the interesting “takeaways” was that none of the attorney brothers had any real understanding of elder care law or issues. It was not the kind of law they practiced and for whatever reason they were not comfortable admitting that they did not know this area of the law. Because their mother was so independent, they could never consider the time when she might not be.
The mediator (myself) never met any of the parties in person and this was all done online or by phone.
Richard H. Schwachter is an Attorney in Ohio who is now offering Mediations for families dealing with the issues of aging parents. You don't even have to travel! Conference sessions can be set up on Skype so you can be in different parts of the world and participate. You can visit his website and give him a call.
650.209.7699 phone
http://www.startyourelderparentplan.com/
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